Quixotic Iconoclast

Remember, kids: Safety first, danger second!

fk kinda sleepy again maybe? perhaps if i sleep right now i’ll just wake up uber early tomorrow, finish off my frap and settle my speech at like 5-6 in the morning, maybe after a run. sounds like an attractive option now that i’ve typed it out tbh

i’m having neurotic thoughts about how my frap will go bad by tomorrow so part of me also wants to drink it right now but i just suddenly started feeling sleepy

uhhh also my housemate who’s been giving me rides to orientation is out getting drunk for his birthday so i get the feeling he won’t be in a condition to do so again tomorrow morning so i might just drive myself and pay the money dollars to park on campus. might have to repark though because 8 hours max if i’m going to leave early. mmm isn’t it great the way a bunch of minor issues turn into something i feel the need to consider “out loud” before deciding?

adulthood feels icky, yo

vault11overseer said: you can do it! i know my blind optimism doesn’t necessarily help much but i have lots of faith in you and i know you’re going to do well c: <3

thanks, Vero! since i’m not used to having full days being outside and interacting with people for like eight hours straight, i feel like time is dilating because so much shit is happening in a day, so words of encouragement honestly hit me pretty significantly because i’ve only been gone from LA for two days but I already feel abandoned and alone in a limited capacity

i don’t want to make it sound like i’m adjusting especially horribly or anything. it just feels like ages since i’ve talked to anyone who would encourage me and they seem so far away

well ok you’re literally physically far away but hey that means extra props to you as the first responder c:

i can’t help but be somewhat concerned about tomorrow because, even though it’s only a demo teaching presentation with an audience of fellow GTAs, it will be the first real speech i’ve done in quite some time

and i’ve learned this from the reverse process of transitioning from in-class speeches to reading/reciting poetry at open mics, but even though there are many similarities that carry over, how i handle the experience as a performer, and subsequently how that affects my performance itself, are quite different, and i have no way of knowing beforehand if i can make that adjustment, and if it’s a problem i’ll have to do so in the moment

that being said, it’s precisely because i have made the transition one way that i think it’ll be easier going back the other way now that i’ve mentally paved such a road between performance paradigms.

so at the end of the day, it’s my feeling of confidence that makes me suspect myself. i feel pretty confident about being a GTA in general because i feel like a lot of the advice 2nd years and our lecturer are giving us are things i learned on my own during my downtime from school, stuff i learned on a more fundamental level by extrapolating lessons from the few things i did do

but there’s no way of knowing for sure until i’m up there tomorrow. i also do feel like i have a lot to prove. i can hear phantom voices questioning why i’m here and i want to answer them.

it’s not an active fear. it’s like walking along a cliff and looking over and thinking “that’s a long way down. falling would suck.” because i know i’d feel like shit if i bombed the presentation, because an Oral Communication instructor should be able to do speeches obviously

the only thing i can really do is construct a solid idea on what exactly i want to do with the presentation.

"it took over 12 hours to open this bottled Starbucks frappuccino" isn’t necessarily the only way to think about the fact that i screwed the lid on tight so it wouldn’t spill into my backpack this morning and i continually tried to reopen it and only succeeded now, when caffeine is definitely a bad idea

so many choices about who i’m going to spend time with

i don’t really want to be responsible for pursuing relationships of any stripe

i don’t want to be the one who has to make that call

i just want shit to be tossed at me and try to make the best out of it

adult social life-ing is essentially tactical in nature, and i’m a scrub

freedom is scary like that

we were driving on the street past this one cafe that looked like whatever but then there was this model-status girl in a bikini fixing the position of a fan and it’s like “whether you work there or not, are bikinis common attire at this establishment?”

i also feel more motivated to exercise now but today i ate tsukemen and crepes and died from food coma so that didn’t work out, and tomorrow i’m probably crazy enough to drive back up to whittier just for the second last session of poetry workshop.

to be fair though all the new experiences and challenges make me want to dip my toe back in the pool of my comfort zone so that provides further impetus for me to actually go through with that as long as the traffic is decent at least

any orientation assignments for the following day are going to be largely verbal in nature i believe and the one thing about verbal assignment prep is that to a significantly greater degree it’s possible to make progress/practice during long drives

wowowow only the first day of orientation over. four more days of this with almost no viable time to get all the logistical paperwork professional accessibility stuff done?

i’m horrifically out of shape when it comes to “responsible adulthood activity endurance”

i mean i knew that from the get go conceptually but, holy shit am i not accustomed to this sort of thing

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